Life Lessons

Who knew it would become so cool to ignore all other news and get completely livid over something that has nothing to do with you? I’d join in, but I’ve really never been that cool - why start now?

When you share a bathroom with your coworkers, you should at least pretend to wash your hands.

Dilemma: I’m not ready to be a mom, but I want to be a MILF. Solutions?

Why is it that Pandora ads are in Spanish, even when I set it to Lynyrd Skynyrd? Do they seriously think that the members of Skynyrd Nation comprenden Español?

Lesson 7: At Least She’s Good at Something

Parents, if your daughter could be on “Toddlers and Tiaras,” you should just go ahead and install a stripper pole in her room now so she can practice for the inevitble.

At least then she’ll be good enough to entertain the weekend crowd instead of the Monday brunch. There’s no crown, but it’s better for the self-esteem.

Lesson 6: Brought to you by Jack Black

If you’re not using the “c” word, you’re really missing out.

No more wearing shiny shirts while driving. The reflection of rhinestones on the steering wheel mixed with my lack of an attention span is a deadly combination.

On second thought, why not just drive naked to be safe?

Me:  (suggestively) You could buy me lingerie…

Him: You have you’re own money.

Me:  Let me rephrase; You could buy me lingerie, and then I could wear it.

Him: (long pause) Oooooooooh!

If you can spell “Google,” you can spell anything.

Turns out putting on make up in your car isn’t always a good idea; like when the make up is powder and the AC is on full blast.

It looks like a compact splooged on my face.